I took a week off from blogging and I’m so glad that I did.
I’m learning how to “move my plates” around to be sure that I’m not just stacking and stacking without being able to tend to what is right in front of me and most important. This looks like stepping back from facilitating a Marco Polo group around goal setting and habit-forming for the month of February because some new things took front and center. This also looks like narrowing my social media platforms – sorry Snapchat!- and going from two Instagram accounts to just one.
In addition to celebrating our first wedding anniversary, both of our birthdays, and a group Valentine’s Day/birthday celebration with fabulous friends (and we’re just over halfway through the month) I added a second part-time job at a local spa and got clarity about my new volunteer role with the Gary Sinise Foundation.
My plates are heaping with opportunity.
And I like that. Really.
I like to live purposefully and believe I’m making an impact, but I’m also feeling unsteady because I do not know how to dance to this beat well…
Not yet. And this is where the hard work really comes in because of the temptation to quit. It makes me doubt that I heard God’s voice and I become paralyzed with fear that I’ll do whatever it is wrong or that I’m wrong in doing it.
Can anyone relate?
You’re headed down one path (soul tending and soul care) so certain that this is what you’re supposed to be doing, only to find yourself smack dab in the middle of a path you thought you’d left behind (grief, gold star community and married to the military). I’ve run from this path, I’ve cursed this path and I’ve been wearied by being/feeling stuck on this path.
Living life after the death of your loved one is difficult. No matter the age, the season or the circumstances. While death is imminent, it is not “easy” to walk in after it happens to you. Almost 14 years ago, our lives changed and I immediately set out to run from it. To put it behind me, to bury it. And in some way shape or form since then, I’ve subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) attempted to run from the pain and deep wounding of it all.
This past December, I had the opportunity to volunteer for an organization that my son and I benefitted from for ten years. I called home every day to tell Mister about the experience. And for the most part, it was exactly where I believed I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was doing – helping other women who had similar experiences, losses, wounds, and thoughts. Women who experienced similar pain and who are desperate to understand how they will weather this season in their lives; hungry for answers about how the future may unfold for them.
So that is my next step y’all…
To step back into a bit of my own stuff in order to help others who may be stuck or challenged there and to speak about it.
It’s still soul care, it’s still telling stories and it’s still proclaiming the goodness of God but I see the opportunity to reach more women in this specific area, so I’m gonna go for it. Know this though, I so want it to be a straight line. You know what I mean?!? I long for it to all make sense going from the loss and pain ourselves directly to supporting and others through the same thing. But it hasn’t been that way and seems it will never be.
So some of the work ahead is letting go of my expectations of how this is supposed to look. Letting go of how it’s supposed to go or be or seem. Continually putting down my desire for clean, tidy, straight, clear and embracing the grace that comes with releasing control.
I’m heading backward on purpose and with purpose and am ready to share authentically for the benefit of not wasting anything, doing more healing work of my own and helping others along the way.