It’s raining in Texas y’all!
This is special and big and wonderful because it’s happening on day 3 of the challenge (sip your favorite drink slowly) and it’s a day where most of you Soul Tenders are not having to work. I am giddy over here.
Giddy and a little melancholy too.
While sipping my Guatemalan coffee (it’s as delicious as it sounds!!!) with our office window open, hearing the rain and listening for what’s stirring in my soul, memories arise.
Slowing down makes room for my past to pull up a chair and stare me in the eye. This is harder for my past (good and not-so-good) to do when I’m in my regular routine. I’m too busy, I’ve got a list, I need to get to the next appointment, I have to take care of business. My “busy badge” is shiny and visible for all to see.
When I’m honest with myself, I recognize it for what it is – a mask.
A mask, a shield, a sentinel, if you will…
While sitting and slowly sipping my coffee in these perfect-for-reading conditions, my heart swirled with gratitude and grief.
Gratitude that I’m able to appreciate rain. Able to enjoy the quiet time to sit with myself and watch God do what He does. Elated that I live in an area where most things slow down because of rain. And on a holiday???
There is also grief.
So many things have been lost at my pursuit of the wrong things or the right things with wrong motive. So much wasted time moving through life trying to please, impress or satiate others for approval. Being widowed at 33yo and in the way that I was shook my whole world – and my perception of “normal” – upside down.
While sitting and sipping my coffee, my heart was equally grateful and grieved. A lot was lost and a lot has been gained.
As I became more honest with what I was feeling and gave myself permission to call it what it is, I felt my shoulders relax and my body release the tension of the conflict I’d been carrying.
It’s been important for me to do that.
To release, surrender even. To give myself permission to feel deeply. It doesn’t make me fall apart. It doesn’t keep me from moving forward – at least not permanently. It doesn’t make me weird or wrong.
We all have unrealized dreams or “what ifs” that pop up from time to time. Be real with yourself. It’s what we do (or don’t do) with them that impacts our soul.
For me, today I’m sharing my gratitude without guilt. I am incredibly grateful to be married to a man who also sips coffee, reads his Bible and smiles at me from across the room while I blog this post, sip my coffee or take breaks to read my book. All without my hair being done and face being fixed. (They’re out there ladies!!!) And I’m sharing my grief without shame. I grieve the death of my first husband. Especially as I witness the toll it takes on our only child as he transitions into young adulthood without his own father. It smarts.
As you sip your drink slowly – whether it be coffee, tea, a smoothie or wine later this evening – let whatever comes up and out be free to rise up. It is holding a place in your soul and needs to be tended to. Today, let the tending be identifying something(s) you may not have wanted to before.
And let me encourage you. If you had a moment like me today – even if it was a bit challenging, go schedule in two or three more days this month where you leave room to sit a little longer and a bit more still to sip your drink slowly and listen to what is in your soul.
Enjoy your day Soul Tender! No matter how you’ve started this challenge or how you feel it’s going, choose grace and keep taking the steps to tend to your soul.